As a side note, we often wondered what a GWAR song written by Michael Sembello would sound like. Consider our will broken.

5. Go to The Smiling Moose by yourself. Drink, stare, and pretend like you’re not lonely.

4. Browse the used bin at Eide’s Entertainment. Act important and frustrated at the lack of selection.

3. Wander aimlessly around Downtown and South Side.

2. Go to the 31st Street Pub and hopefully not catch another psychobilly show.

1. Visit me and have me show you my secret bar: Shooters in Mckees Rocks, PA,  just outside downtown Pittsburgh. I love that place… Dollar everything!

Can you guess the band and the song she’s aping at the 6:19 mark? Madonna might know it.

And before all you Deci-posters cry ‘sell out!’ just remember Madonna’s net worth is around 600 million bucks. It’s probably more appropriate to cry ‘sell in!’ Oh, and here is Her Majesty again slingin’ it like a meshuggener.

While working at a record store (requiescat in pace my beloved New Moon) in college, my manager, a jazz musician and music aficionado, told me of a story of a group in the Czech Republic. The subject of the story wasn’t the ensemble’s music, but rather the name. See, this group, a gaggle of well-meaning, accomplished players, still hadn’t grasped the fine nuances of the English. And thus when interpreting ‘bad’ as a slang term for ‘good,’ the group figured what’s better than ‘bad’? Well, ‘worse.’ So, the jazz group eventually went on to be known as Worse. I couldn’t tell you if they were ‘worse’ or not, but this set-up is a tribute to the Czech Republic and all its weirdness.

Former Eastern Bloc countries like Hungary, Bulgaria, and Romania exist in different realities from the rest of Europe, but the Czech Republic is by a long shot the strangest country – for metal, to be specific – of the lot. In the spirit (and tribute) of hilariously penned band names like Worse, I bring you Garbage Disposal, Invasion to Privacy, Government of Pansies, Choked by Own Vomits, Hormony Corruption (get it?), Dark Salad, Infectious Germs, Happy Death, Demented Retarded, Greedy Invalid, Grandmother Is Dead, Mincing Fury and Guttural Clamour of Queer Decay, Bonesaw of the Brains, Purulent Spermcanal, Grope for Thesis, Poppy Seed Grinder, and this gem of a name Destructive Explosion of Anal Garland. Excellent stuffs!

Check out Mincing Fury and Guttural Clamour of Queer Decay and Destructive Explosion of Anal Garland on MySpace. Give ‘em a ‘Dobrý den’ from Decibel!

YouTube DirektLink

If there’s a better description of Japanese trio Coffins than the review of the group’s demo on Metal Archives, I haven’t found it: “Coffins are like the Charles Manson of the metal world. Despite being captivating and undoubtedly unique and interesting, the underlying feeling that what you’re listening to is completely fucking evil is always present.” Operating word here: evil. As in: a possible soundtrack of the coming Apocalypse. Two new tracks from the upcoming Coffins LP on 20 Buck Spin have been posted on the group’s MySpace page.  As with previous releases, Coffins remains under the thrall of countrymen Corrupted — they’re pounding square pegs into round holes with the same brutish ennunciations but a slightly different tool kit (the Bay Area thrash-style riff on “Under the Stench”). If you’re new to Coffins, it’s worth noting that two songs is the perfect make-or-break point; anything more and you’ll need a shower and a trip to confession.

YouTube DirektLink

YouTube DirektLink

Meet JoshofDarkness. Metal’s answer to Rodney King has taken a break from updating his Facebook account to issue this urgent plea for solidarity within the metal community. Things we learned from watching this video:

1) Mushroomhead suck, but they’re not really metal.

2) Slipknot suck, but not nearly as much as Mushroomhead.

3) Trivium suck, possibly as much as Slipknot, but that’s ok “because they’re doing what they love to do and living their dream.”

Please note that while JoshofDarkness tells us that we should approve of any genre that “has ‘metal’ in it,” he frequently averts his gaze from the camera, avoids making direct statements and constantly refers to the “hatred passion” of his friends. Either JoshofDarkness is lying or he realizes early on (check out the agonizing pause at the 2:15 mark) that his position is indefensible. It’s ok to have opinions, dude!

Well, as much as I’d like to honor Aarseth, I think he was lying about the ‘no fun’ bit. Before being stabbed to death by Burzum hobo Varg Vikernes, we’re pretty sure the father of Norwegian black metal really wanted a vacation. It probably wasn’t to Euro Disney, ‘cause no one wants to go to France. And it probably wasn’t Walt Disney World Resort, ‘cause it’s trendy — Tom Brady’s been there three fucking times since Aarseth’s passing! Three! I think, deep down in my heartest of hearts, Mr. Black Metal was looking for something more secluded. A place where he could let his proverbial hair down, unmask, turn that frown upside down, and still maintain his too-true profile. Norway’s got fjords, mountains, rapids, and all that shit, but what they don’t have is Satan’s Kingdom State Recreation Area. Located in New Hartford, Connecticut, SKSRA is an unholy mecca for nature-minded black metal thrill-jockeys. That’s right. Øystein wanted to go tubing. Read deep into the lyrics for “Deathcrush.” He’s talking about getting smashed up against schist and other metamorphic rocks while careening balls-out down the Farmington River.

Anyway, buddy, this one’s for you.