Here’s what Cryptopsy thinks of internet haters and message board warriors. Now click on over to the band’s MySpace page to check out “It’s Dinner Time,” a brand new track that represents the only 30 seconds of nu-Cryptopsy you really need to hear. OK, it’s kind of funny. Really, we’re just bummed that we didn’t get called out for “spreading shit and telling lies.” Then, now, and forever, this is how it should be done:

When have I ever told anyone to buy a book about death metal? OK, there was that one other time, but when I have ever told you all to run out any buy a book about SWEDISH death metal? That’s right—never. Anyway, the domestic version of Daniel Ekeroth’s ridiculously awesome Swedish Death Metal is available now from Bazillion Points. Peep a preview below with MC/publisher Ian Christe and then grab a copy, like, pronto.

We’re still waiting for Hissing Choir to get around to making a full-length record. The Maryland-Virgina “supergroup” barely played more than a handful of shows together, but the band’s instant pedigree (members of Pig Destroyer, Pg. 99 and Triac) carries enough weight that a recent solitation for Jesus of Nazareth’s Braid of Muscle on Robotic Empire broadcasts that it features — get this — “ex-members of Hissing Choir.” So what’s the fuss? Thanks to the magic of the interwebz, you can judge for yourself; here’s three songs from Hissing Choir’s first live performance in Bodymore, Murdaland circa Fall 2003. There’s also this cool interview from where (former?) members Chris Taylor and Jake Cregger geeked out on the Swans, and about 1000 seconds of hot fuzz (see below) from the Banks St. Warehouse in New Orleans in December 2003. More of this, please.

Dethklok ain’t the only game in town anymore.

International supergroup Against The Plagues, featuring Wojtek Lisicki (Lost Horizon, Luciferion), Marco Martell (Divine Empire, Malevolent Creation) and Adrian Adamus (Forest of Impaled), self-released their debut album The Architecture Of Oppression in 2007. We’d have to say this one flew under our radar, but Cold Slither picked up on it right quick.

Watch Cold Slither cover “Renegade Manifesto.”

Click here for another GI Joe-released post.

The camp /kitsch quotient of this segment from an early 1980s episode of CHiPs is impossible to ignore. Consider: it was conceived of by a guy who wrote most of the first three seasons of Beverly Hills: 90210 and directed by Gomez of the Addams Family. Elvira: Mistress of the Dark makes a cameo appearance. There’s a legion of “fans” at the outdoor “concert” portrayed here that looks like rejects from Altamont. Dunno how the fake band led by Donny Most (Ralph Malph on Happy Days) escaped the radar of notoriously litigous Gene Simmons, but “Devil Take Me” may be cooler than anything KISS ever wrote. Wow, I probably just gave Decibel editor Albert Mudrian seven consecutive heart attacks when he gets around to reviewing this post. Oh well! HAIL MOLOCH!!!

This issue deserves more time, more attention and less snark than we can possily offer, but a restatement of the obvious goes like this: bands that rely on touring to generate income (i.e. most bands) are having a tougher time dealing with the effects of rising gas prices. The lengths that a band will go to to get to your city are already fairly ridiculous; ditching the Econoline for a hybrid car represents an upfront hit that your average band with no health insurance or savings (and possibly outstanding debt to a label) can’t manage. If a veteran touring band like God Forbid — as Dallas Coyle suggested in this recent Metal Sucks column — is feeling the burn, how mega-fucked is some group of kids with no tour support going to be? On a similar “up” note, former Decibel correspondent Anthony Bartkewicz did some “fair and balanced” reporting for his new employer and the quotes from Daylight Dies and Transistor Transistor are pretty eye-opening. Expect to pay a little more for that concert ticket and a little more for merch so that a little more dough gets in the hands of those who need it — it’s only fair.

Besides, what’s the alternative?

Oh, yeah, right:

Hey, guys +10 for the use of expletives. Another +1 for the guy in the t-shirt that says, “Ass. The Other Vagina.”

By Withered

This was a pretty tough assignment for us. How do you “objectively” review your own album? After perusing old Memento Mori reviews and any Decibel review that scored a 3 or lower, we found our inspiration. On our recent tour with Lair of the Minotaur, Kylesa, and The Ocean, we collectively wrote a very humble review while driving to Cleveland, OH. We felt that the best approach would be to use the most ridiculous and overused metal terms/metaphors we could muster up or rip off from other sources. After using our “ridiculous metal vocabulary” to its fullest extent, we decided to ask friends from other bands to help by providing us some terms Mad Libs style. This truly reveals the subconscious impact we’ve had on our colleagues. So, below you will find our original review, a couple of rewrites from Alex Tomlin of Arsis/ Battlemaster and Greg Weeks of The Red Chord, and a blank form to enjoy with your friends at tea parties and re-post as comments on this fine site. Let the brutal hilarity (at our expense) ensue!!!

Want to play along? Download your own Withered Mab Libs review form here.

***

Withered
Folie Circulaire on Prosthetic Records
Score: 666
By: Withered

Atlanta’s masters of grim metal return with their second full length entitled Folie Circulaire. This beast of a record relentlessly pummels the listener into submission with 10 tracks of suffocating dark brutality. The record opens with a dark & haunting guitar intro to set the tone for the entire record. After trailing into a void of feedback, “The Fated Breath” explodes into a massive doom riff peppered with elements of grind, early Swedish death metal overtones, and guest vocals by Barney Greenway (Napalm Death). It transcends into a blizzard of unholy Scandinavian-esque black metal before closing on a thick slab of ultimate finality. This album unmercifully drags you into its murky depths of pityless suffering with the tracks “Dichotomy of Exile” and “Gnosis Unveils” and “The Forsaken Truth” before crucifying you with the bestial cacophony of songs like “The Purification of Ignorance,” “Drawn Black Drapes,” and “Reveal the Essence of Suffering.” Just as you start longing for relief from the agony of humanity’s inevitable demise, Withered’s “Clamor Beneath” throws the last shovel of stench ridden earth upon your shallow grave with a suffocating black metal drone and a havoc encrusted verse also featuring guest vocals by Barney Greenway. And, if that’s not enough, Withered finishes the album with a cover of Necrophobic’s “Into Armageddon.” That’s a corpse painted wet dream for you old school black metallers. There’s nothing more to say about this record… mostly because our metal vocabulary is fully exhausted (just as you’ll be after experiencing a listen to this album!).

***

Withered
Folie Circulaire on Prosthetic Records
Score: M/3+XJ
By: Greg Weeks        

Atlanta’s masters of red shoe return with their second full length entitled fecal-pheliac diarrhea blood clot robot related festival. This beast of a record relentlessly dances the listener into submission with 10 peni of suffocating dark brutality. The album opens with a dark & haunting Christmas tree intro to set the tone for the entire record. After trailing into a void of pants, “The minty Breath” explodes into a massive ostrich peppered with elements of grind, early Swedish white house metal overtones, and guest vocals by Barney Greenway(Napalm Death). It transcends into a blizzard of unholy Scandinavian-esque black puppies before closing on a thick slab of machete. This album unmercifully drags you into its murky depths of pityless suffering with the tracks “Dichotomy of Exile” and “Gnosis Unveils” and “The Forsaken AMC Gremlin” before crucifying you with the bestial cacophony of songs like “The Purification of rain drops,” “Drawn Black Drapes,” and “Reveal the Essence of Q-bert.” Just as you start longing for relief from the agony of humanity’s inevitable demise, Withered’s “Clamor Beneath” throws the last shovel of stench ridden Kris Kristoferson upon your shallow grave with a smelly green metal drone and a fat boys encrusted verse also featuring guest vocals by Barney Greentoaster (Napalm Death). And, if that’s not enough, Withered finishes the album with a cover of Frogphobic’s “Into Armageddon.” That’s a corpse painted wet dream for you old school black metallers. There’s nothing more to say about this record… mostly because our metal vocabulary is fully Euphoric (just as you’ll be after listening to this album!).

***

Withered
Folie Circulaire on Prosthetic Records
Score: 256.87
By: Alex Tomlin

Atlanta’s masters of electric banana return with their second full length entitled puking up the weed soaked guts of my mom. This beast of a record relentlessly prances the listener into submission with 10 tazers of suffocating dark brutality. The album opens with a dark & haunting flask intro to set the tone for the entire record. After trailing into a void of bonobo, “The cosmic Breath” explodes into a massive sideburn peppered with elements of grind, early Swedish horseradish metal overtones, and guest vocals by Barney Greenway (Napalm Death). It transcends into a blizzard of unholy Scandinavian-esque black tarps before closing on a thick slab of splinters. The album unmercifully drags you into its murky depths of pityless suffering with the tracks “Dichotomy of Exile” and “Gnosis Unveils” and “The Forsaken synthesizer” before crucifying you with the bestial cacophony of songs like “The Purification of apparatus,” “Drawn Black Drapes” and “Reveal the essence of salami.” Just as you start longing for relief from the agony of humanity’s inevitable demise, Withered’s “Clamor Beneath” throws the last shovel of stench ridden ravioli upon your shallow grave with a mystically perplexing  metal drone and a skooner encrusted verse also featuring guest vocals by Barney Greendoorknob (Napalm Death). And, if that’s not enough, Withered finishes the album with a cover of partisanphobic’s “Into Armageddon.” That’s a corpse painted wet dream for you old school black metallers. There’s nothing more to say about this record….mostly because our metal vocabulary is fully regal (just as you’ll be after listening to this album!).

***

Withered’s Folie Circulaire is out on June 24, 2008 on Prosthetic Records. Mad Libs turned 50 in 2008 and is still going strong.