I’m not one of those bitter old cunts who always moans about how new music sucks and nothing will ever beat the bands I grew up with. I mean, have you heard the new Ashlee Simpson record? Shit is transcendent! That said, the desperate, pathetic avarice of The Reunion Tour (And/Or Album) always makes for a good time, especially when you’re drunk enough to not care about how desperate and pathetic all participants on and offstage truly are. So why am I writing about five extreme (-ish) bands I’d like to see reform when said five have thus far preserved their integrity and legacy by bravely focusing on the unwritten future as opposed to the security of the past? I dunno, Albert told me to.

Faith No More (Angel Dust era)
WHAT’S THE HOLDUP?
You haven’t seen a band not give a shit until you’ve seen YouTube clips of FNM playing Album of the Year material. Also, Mike Patton only likes choruses these days when Norah Jones is involved.

WOULD THEY STILL “BRING IT” ONSTAGE?
See above. Hard to imagine Mike pinballing around à la the 1992 “Hangin’ With MTV” performance of “Midlife Crisis” and “Caffeine.”

BUT REALLY, WOULD A NEW RECORD BE ANY GOOD?
Only the Great Pumpkin knows for sure, and only Jim Martin knows if the Great Pumpkin truly exists. This quandary will never be resolved, so why bother speculating?

Helmet (Meantime era)
WHAT’S THE HOLDUP?
Based on the fact that John Stanier and Henry Bogdan declined an opportunity to participate in a Meantime (or Strap It On; either would work) Hall of Fame, we assume there might be the teensiest bit of acrimony with founder Page Hamilton.

WOULD THEY STILL “BRING IT” ONSTAGE?
Regardless of what you think about Size Matters or Monochrome, Hamilton’s not given up the Helmet dream, so any current YouTube clip is indicative of what you’ll get. We still maintain that Stanier (doing just fine in Battles) was an irreplaceable weapon.

BUT REALLY, WOULD A NEW RECORD BE ANY GOOD?
Did you like Aftertaste? It’d probably sound like that.

Kyuss
WHAT’S THE HOLDUP?
Homme is amusingly kind of pumped that everybody missed the boat the first time, and Garcia and Bjork seem happy enough with their current small-scale projects. Nick Oliveri: kind of a wild card, in case you haven’t heard.

WOULD THEY STILL “BRING IT” ONSTAGE?
If Garcia still wore camo pants and Homme brought back the Skeet Ulrich bob, fucking-a right they would.

BUT REALLY, WOULD A NEW RECORD BE ANY GOOD?
It’s easy to be skeptical when individual members release underwhelming or repetitive solo albums, and the bloom has sorta faded from QOTSA’s rose. Recapturing the magic: doubtful.

Godflesh
WHAT’S THE HOLDUP?
Maybe we should give Broadrick a few more years of not flipping out/cancelling tours before we demand something of this magnitude.

WOULD THEY STILL “BRING IT” ONSTAGE?
If Justin wore a Jesu tank top, definitely.

BUT REALLY, WOULD A NEW RECORD BE ANY GOOD?
Broadrick doesn’t have much of a track record for putting out dogshit. If it weren’t mastered at blow-out-your-cochlea Fall Out Boy level, it’d probably kill.

Botch
WHAT’S THE HOLDUP?
Rightly seeing into the future of a billion math-metal bands unabashedly ripping them off, they called it quits after posthumous EP An Anthology of Dead Ends, figuring there wasn’t much left to accomplish in the genre.

WOULD THEY STILL “BRING IT” ONSTAGE?
Um, yes.

BUT REALLY, WOULD A NEW RECORD BE ANY GOOD?
They think it wouldn’t, but they’re wrong.

When we’re not looking for moronic things on YouTube – which is like all day long – we find ourselves searching for something more. Substance. When the well runs dry, we here at Decibel immediately point our browsers to Guitar Shred Show.

Sure, we’ve played Guitar Hero and conquered the Decibel Level. Piece ‘o cake, we tell you. Guitar Shred Show is something different. This is full-on, at-work, time-wastin’ fun. No one has to know you’re pulling Locrian, Aeolian, and other scales like Steve Vai’s long lost relative. Or challenging an accordion-jammin’ demon (Tony Lazaro anyone?) to a guitar dual. This is your guitar show. You keypunch (tap or hold) the licks and out comes pure guitar wankin’ genius. We rarely have this much fun at work.

Rush, Caress of Steel 1975 (Mercury)
OK, so Canadian progressive rockers Rush aren’t exactly a bargain bin obscurity, but unless you’re a devotee of the band or of prog in general, their third album may well have passed you by. I’ve even met long-time fans who claim not to have heard it, a situation probably exacerbated by the fact that although the band had high hopes for Caress of Steel, upon its initial release it sold fewer copies than their previous album Fly By Night, also issued in ’75. In case you’re wondering, it finally went gold in 1993…

Caress of Steel is generally considered to be the moment when the trio wholeheartedly embraced progressive rock’s aesthetics and it features their first full-blown epic, the 20-minute “The Fountain of Lamneth,” which took up all of side two on the vinyl version. “By-Tor & the Snow Dog” from Fly By Night had epic hallmarks, but, well, it simply wasn’t long enough. This was the ’70s and epics had to be just that. Kids today look back at something like Metallica’s “Orion” and marvel at its vastness and complexity, but “The Fountain of Lamneth” is the real deal. Split into six sections, it’s an extraordinary musical journey deploying the disparate elements which the band later wove into signature pieces such as “2112” and “Cygnus X-1.” Lyrically, it’s typically highbrow fare, a metaphorical telling of a young man’s emergence into the world and his search for life’s meaning, spun as a quest for a far-flung, mythical fountain of youth. It’s every bit as impressive as their better-known set pieces but simply got buried on this, the band’s great “lost” album.

There are more widescreen shenanigans back over on side one which is dominated by “The Necromancer,” a paraphrasing of The Lord of the Rings which makes it an early example of the sword and sorcery worship which later came to dominate epic and power metal. The aforementioned “By-Tor & The Snow Dog” also falls into this category, as I pointed out in my history of power metal in Terrorizer mag a few years ago. Elsewhere, the thundering “Bastille Day” betrays a lingering Led Zeppelin influence, as does the wistful “Lakeside Park” which sees drummer and lyricist Neil Peart already indulging in personal nostalgia, in this case for the place he grew up. Last but by no means least is the absurd but delicious “I Think I’m Going Bald,” a predicament which I’m sure many of you can relate to. True to form, “I Think I’m Going Bald” isn’t really about hair loss, but rather about follicle atrophy as a metaphor for the loss of idealism and ambition. Sounds daft? It probably is, but only Rush could make the idea seem remotely convincing. “Seems like only yesterday, we would sit and talk of dreams all night/dreams of youth and simple truths/now we’re so involved, so involved with life,” laments frontman Geddy Lee.

Rush may well be going grey, but as Caress of Steel defiantly predicted, they’re going grey their way.

1. Whitesnake – Whitesnake (1987 Geffen)

2. Whitesnake – Ready an’ Willing (1980 Geffen)

3. Whitesnake – Live…in the Heart of the City (1980 Geffen)

4. Whitesnake – Lovehunter (1979 Geffen)

5. Whitesnake – Trouble (1978 Geffen)

6. Badlands – Badlands (1989 Atlantic)

7. Phenomena II – Dream Runner (1987 Arista)

8. Blue Murder – Blue Murder (1989 Geffen)

9. Winger – Winger (1988 Atlantic)

10. Whitesnake – Slip of the Tongue (1989 Geffen)

When asked why Whitesnake occupies 60 percent of his Top 10, Åkerfeldt said: “David Coverdale is a superstar! Whitesnake’s self-titled is the only proper cock rock album ever. It’s a classic. I still put that on whenever we party. Everyone goes insane. Whitesnake is pure party rock with a little metal thrown in. Perfect! I mean if you put on Celtic Frost’s To Mega Therion at a party, it’s OK. But if you put on 1987 Whitesnake, people are going to have a great time. I grew up listening to Whitesnake, Scorpions, and bands like that. You know, Klaus Meine says “Come on, baby!” when he addresses the audience. He stole that from Coverdale.”

Our devoted Deci-posters in the forum are having their own Cock Rock (i.e., “Hair Metal”) discussion. Check it out and chime in by clicking here.

We know the U.S. used psychological warfare in Iraq, but one has to wonder where the Psychological Operations Company (Psy Ops), whose motto is “Persuade Change Influence,” got the idea to blast Metallica to break the will of uncooperative enemies. After much researching and countless denials to speak with Psychological Operations Veterans Association President Arlo Despain, we found this.

As a side note, we often wondered what a GWAR song written by Michael Sembello would sound like. Consider our will broken.

By Joemack, Complete Failure

5. Go to The Smiling Moose by yourself. Drink, stare, and pretend like you’re not lonely.

4. Browse the used bin at Eide’s Entertainment. Act important and frustrated at the lack of selection.

3. Wander aimlessly around Downtown and South Side.

2. Go to the 31st Street Pub and hopefully not catch another psychobilly show.

1. Visit me and have me show you my secret bar: Shooters in Mckees Rocks, PA,  just outside downtown Pittsburgh. I love that place… Dollar everything!

There’s more to Madonna than meets the eye. Or ear. Then again, aforementioned sentence and sentence fragment are stating the obvious. Apparently, Mrs. Ciccone Ritchie, at the ripe age of 50, has decided yet again to shake things up. No, she’s not starring in Still Desperately Seeking Susan or green lighting the release of an x-rated version of Body of Evidence. Madge is getting metal. Wha..Whaa…Whaat? The ‘Queen of Pop’ likes her distortion, power chords, and aggression. Check out this clip of a metalized version of hit single “Hung Up,” replete with a surprise riff at the 6:19 mark.

Can you guess the band and the song she’s aping at the 6:19 mark? Madonna might know it.

And before all you Deci-posters cry ‘sell out!’ just remember Madonna’s net worth is around 600 million bucks. It’s probably more appropriate to cry ‘sell in!’ Oh, and here is Her Majesty again slingin’ it like a meshuggener.

Sure we think Pelican’s new video for “Dead Between the Walls” is a great representation of our favorite Chicago instrumetalists. But the clip’s real star is J. Bennett’s business manager Juan Perez, who plays Pelican’s “vocalist” in the David Kleiler-directed promo. When asked about his motivation for the video’s climatic final scene, Perez offered, “I was wondering if I’d look badass. Actually, I was just wondering how a singer would actually carry a microphone.”