I’ve often wondered if the late Øystein Aarseth (aka Euronymous) really believed in the ‘no fun’ part of his label’s edict, ‘No mosh, no core, no trends, no fun!’ OK, I get the ‘no mosh’ and ‘no core’ parts. And the ‘no trend’ portion of the slogan is well-intended, but unavoidable. Who doesn’t say trendy exclamations like “Black metal ist Krieg!” or “Kvlt!” when they wake up to Robin Meade or Betty Nguyen? It’s part of my morning pre-work ritual. I’m sure it’s part of yours, too. Seriously though. ‘No fun?’ Come on, Øystein!

Well, as much as I’d like to honor Aarseth, I think he was lying about the ‘no fun’ bit. Before being stabbed to death by Burzum hobo Varg Vikernes, we’re pretty sure the father of Norwegian black metal really wanted a vacation. It probably wasn’t to Euro Disney, ‘cause no one wants to go to France. And it probably wasn’t Walt Disney World Resort, ‘cause it’s trendy — Tom Brady’s been there three fucking times since Aarseth’s passing! Three! I think, deep down in my heartest of hearts, Mr. Black Metal was looking for something more secluded. A place where he could let his proverbial hair down, unmask, turn that frown upside down, and still maintain his too-true profile. Norway’s got fjords, mountains, rapids, and all that shit, but what they don’t have is Satan’s Kingdom State Recreation Area. Located in New Hartford, Connecticut, SKSRA is an unholy mecca for nature-minded black metal thrill-jockeys. That’s right. Øystein wanted to go tubing. Read deep into the lyrics for “Deathcrush.” He’s talking about getting smashed up against schist and other metamorphic rocks while careening balls-out down the Farmington River.

Anyway, buddy, this one’s for you.

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