you don’t want to read graf orlock commando jason schmidt’s Rambo review? who are you? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? THEY WOULD’VE RAPED HER 50 TIMES AND CUT YOUR FUCKING HEADS OFF!!!

sorry, i digress. jason, the floor is yours.

1982, 1985, 1988, 2008: Hallmarks in cinematic glory via the roid raging life-ender, John Rambo. The final film of this emotional and sensitive quadrilogy literally blows the heads off its post 9/11 action counterparts, with an estimated three murdered people a minute. Picture this: A group of arrogant Christian doctor/missionaries just HAS to get into the corpse fields of Burma, certain they will “change the world.” What better nihilistic, post-traumatic guide than this snake-catching, stomach-opening ex-patriot. Although initially reluctant to help these clinically brain-dead stains from the United States of Poor Life Choices, he eventually gives in, presumably knowing he is in for a raucous corpse pile of recently juiced soldiers. All I know is that Stallone painted the town red with this one, leaving more than a few Burmese families without sons, who mere months after their 15th birthdays ventured into a promising career in the state army. This is quite possibly the most violent movie i have seen in years, if ever, thanks to the opportune use of a 50 caliber machine gun and a homemade machete.

I give this film 5 out of 5 Blood-Covered Steadicams

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