You don’t know it yet, but your early ’90s death metal eBay auction needs me. I’ve been professionally modeling death metal longsleeves since 1989, so I have the skills and experience necessary to take your item to “the next level.” I mean, do you really believe these tattered, grayed rags sell themselves? Of course not! Extreme sleeve print demands extreme modeling! Plus, I’m incredibly versatile; from a Beneath the Remains baseball cap to Dawn of Possession sweatpants—if an article of clothing is featured in a Blue Grape catalog—I can make that cotton come alive.

Just have a look at my portfolio:

Spiritual Healing 

Symphonies of Sickness

Left Hand Path

Severed Survival

So, act now and turn those watchers into bidders.

As reported elsewhere, legendary punk and metal specialty store Slipped Disc Records has lost its lease after 26 years in the biz and is set to close sometime this spring. Decibel editor Albert Mudrian used to drag his tape-tradin’ ass upto Long Island as a teenager (a 3 1/2 hour drive!), just to stock up on the latest releases. Slipped Disc has always had a very loyal clientele. Store owner Mike Schutzman was too busy presiding over his current liquidation sale to be reached for comment, so we asked Dream Theater’s Mike Portnoy to deliver the epitaph for his favorite record store instead:

“In the early 80’s, when I was discovering more ‘underground’ metal bands like Accept, Mercyful Fate, Loudness and Raven (from reading my imported copies of Kerrang), there was no place in small town Long Beach, Long Island to find the latest records from these bands I was reading about. Then I discovered Slipped Disc Records in Valley Stream, Long Island. They not only carried the albums from these bands, but also the 12″ singles with bonus tracks, the t-shirts, the imported live videos and anything else that existed! It was a metal lover’s paradise!

When the American thrash scene was beginning to erupt around 1983, I could always count on Slipped Disc to carry anything I was looking for from bands like Anthrax, Slayer, Testament, Flotsam & Jetsam, Death Angel and Nuclear Assault. And they always had these bands coming in for in-store appearances as well! I specifically remember going to see Motorhead and Exodus at Slipped Disc. Taking the train there every Saturday was the highlight of my week! And on the day I received my drivers license, the very first place I drove to was Slipped Disc to pick up Metallica’s Ride The Lightning album which was released that VERY day! (The import version, of course!) Let’s hear it for Mike at Slipped Disc for helping shape the metal scene (and me!) for the past 25 years.”

Looking for a shitty, poorly researched, dismissive and insulting feature on 13 random albums that everyone has heard already? Good news: your hunt is over! You may also be surprised to learn that Entombed and At the Gates play “hyper-technical death metal.” At least someone else is writing about the new Disfear, which rules.

you don’t want to read graf orlock commando jason schmidt’s Rambo review? who are you? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? THEY WOULD’VE RAPED HER 50 TIMES AND CUT YOUR FUCKING HEADS OFF!!!

sorry, i digress. jason, the floor is yours.

1982, 1985, 1988, 2008: Hallmarks in cinematic glory via the roid raging life-ender, John Rambo. The final film of this emotional and sensitive quadrilogy literally blows the heads off its post 9/11 action counterparts, with an estimated three murdered people a minute. Picture this: A group of arrogant Christian doctor/missionaries just HAS to get into the corpse fields of Burma, certain they will “change the world.” What better nihilistic, post-traumatic guide than this snake-catching, stomach-opening ex-patriot. Although initially reluctant to help these clinically brain-dead stains from the United States of Poor Life Choices, he eventually gives in, presumably knowing he is in for a raucous corpse pile of recently juiced soldiers. All I know is that Stallone painted the town red with this one, leaving more than a few Burmese families without sons, who mere months after their 15th birthdays ventured into a promising career in the state army. This is quite possibly the most violent movie i have seen in years, if ever, thanks to the opportune use of a 50 caliber machine gun and a homemade machete.

I give this film 5 out of 5 Blood-Covered Steadicams

Proof that there’s a happy medium between “Hammer Smashed Face” and “The Chicken Dance.” Marriage is all about compromise! Seriously, though, how many of these couples have already filed for divorce?

Fall Out Boy played a secret show in Buffalo (as “Schrute Farms”) this past November and invited hometown hero Keith Buckley (of Every Time I Die) to rock vocals on a cover of Pantera’s “Walk.” Then the flame war began. Some scene kid’s video response on YouTube has a higher rating than the song itself. Admittedly, the footage from the concert ain’t that hot, but Fall Out Boy’s version of “Walk” isn’t Panterrible. It sounds pretty much like “Walk,” which satisfies the criteria for any Pantera cover: versimilitude. It’s definitely not deserving of the usual meathead “Dimebag should rise from the dead and kill those fucking bastards, what a disgrace to music and what a lack of respect to Pantera” comments. David Draiman had the right idea when interviewed about “tensions” between Disturbed and Avenged Sevenfold over their covers of “Walk”: who fucking cares? Besides, the myth of Pantera being above reproach is ridiculous : Pantera routinely performed “Walk” with the likes of Sully Erma and Damageplan flogged the song without Anselmo. Metal Injection’s dissection of the cult of Pantera was spot-on. But I’d like to add: If Dimebag was still around, he’d be jamming “Walk” on the second stage of Ozzfest with Andrew WK and Kelly Osbourne, laying down licks for Keith Urban’s metal covers album and waving a glow stick during Sasha and Digweed’s acid house remix of “Walk.” Now where’s the hand-farting version?

Fall Out Boy w/ Keith Buckley, “Walk” [Live in Buffalo 11/19/07]

Avenged Sevenfold, “Walk” [Live at Rock Am Ring 2006]

Chimaira, “Walk” [live in Belgium 2006]

5) Heckles questioning the Quarterbacking ability of Jamarcus Russell
All those Neurosis “quiet parts” make this so easy you barely have to yell.

4) The exodus after Mastodon finished
Because, really, what’s the point of watching Neurosis while you’re coked-up?

3) Sidebanging
Like we’ve said, this is never acceptable under any circumstances. Can’t you just pretend Isis are playing and harmlessly headbob?

2) Girls
Young ones. And reasonably attractive, too. Where the hell were you when I was single and went to Neurosis shows in the ’90s?

1) A Valient Thorr hoodie
Further proof that you can sell anything to anyone.

Gotta love this illustration, which originally accompanied Jim Fusilli’s terrific article on death metal vocals in the February 1, 2006 edition of the Wall Street Journal. It’s worth revisiting Fusilli’s piece almost two years later for Monte Conner’s honest-yet-cynical appraisal of the sales potential of death metal (”I stopped signing death-metal bands [to Roadrunner Records] in ‘93 or ‘94…The glory days have long ago passed.”) — even Cookie Monster is altering his diet these days. But the biggest revelation comes when Fusilli tracks down the voice of Cookie Monster (and Miss Piggy), Frank Oz, who discusses the rigors of the Cookie Monster voice in almost exactly the same terms Angela Gossow uses to describe her vocals for Arch Enemy:

Mr. Oz agrees that making Cookie Monster sounds is an arduous occupation. “I never trained for it and I blew my pipes out,” he told me. “It’s completely unnatural, an explosion of force that comes from the belly through the throat. I would do a day of it and my normal voice would be a half an octave lower.” 

Sounds like it’s time for Frank Oz to pay a visit to Melissa Cross, or:

Check out this step-by-step guide on How to Do Harsh Death Metal Vocals [via Musical Warfare]