OJ’s Top 5 shittiest He-Man characters ever…
By Chris “OJ” Ojeda, Byzantine
#5. Ram-Man (1985): Heroic human battering ram!
After about 6 months of “battle,” he would no longer stay in the crouched position, therefore rendering him useless. If you lost his hammer, you were also fucked. It was a pity that for the last few years, Ram-Man was the over-the-hill action star who had blown out both knees and couldn’t get in the big game. Maybe if he could have turned his head he would have been somewhat useful in battle.
#4. Leech (1985): Evil master of power suction!
This is where He-Man officially “jumped the shark.” Unless he was fighting a pane of glass, this guy was utterly useless. Most of my He-Man figures were perfect for arm wrestling competitions since they all had the right handed battle grip. But Leech fucked that ALL up! It took me an hour to figure out how to attach his crossbow before I tossed him on the roof, where he stayed a whole summer.
#3. Kobra-Khan (1984): Evil master of snakes!
Even at the age of 9, I knew this design was bad news. I used to fill his body up with orange juice for a nice drink. This dude should have been the most bad-ass of all He-Man figures, but the second time I got squirted with a Kobra-Kahn full of piss, I knew I loathed him for all eternity.
#2. Stinkor (1985): Evil master of odors!
So you walk around 4th grade with Stinkor in your jacket pocket and your teacher thinks you smell like cat urine and makes you change clothes. That sucked. I found him about 8 years later and I swear to God he still smelled like a fart wrapped in blue cheese. Evil Never Dies!
#1. Prince Adam (1984): Heroic secret identity of He-Man!
…The reason why most people thought He-Man was a queer. Red velvet vest, purple tights, pink sword and a pet cat. Hmmm…It’s a wonder I ain’t singing show tunes for a living from playing with that doll. He makes Tinky-Winky look like Clint Eastwood.
Honorable mention: Sssqueeze (1987): Evil long armed viper!
WTF!?! Time to quit playing with dolls and start masturbating.
July 11th, 2007 at 5:07 pm
I’m right there with you on Leech - I could never get the fucking thing to work anyway - but you’re crazy about Sssqueeze - that thing provided me HOURS of fun.
My personal favorite remains the one from the Masters of the Universe movie (Frank Langella as Skeletor!!!)… I don’t remember what the character was called, but you could make sparks come out of his mouth. Awesome. Totally awesome.
July 11th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
Saurod!
July 12th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
[…] Who do you think is the worst ever He-Man character from Masters of the Universe? You might be surprised by who Byzantine’s lead singer OJ Ojeda picked! You can catch the full scoop over at the Deciblog by following the link below. http://www.thedeciblog.com/index.php/2007/07/11/top-5-shittiest-he-man-characters-ever/ […]
July 13th, 2007 at 9:14 am
[…] realm of He-Man and The Masters of The Universe. To check it out, head over to the Deciblog: http://www.thedeciblog.com/index.php/2007/07/11/top-5-shittiest-he-man-characters-ever/. BYZANTINE is currently hard at work finishing work on the band’s forthcoming album, […]
July 13th, 2007 at 9:42 am
[…] mainman OJ Ojeda has posted his comments on the worst he-man characters at the Deciblog. Byzantine have also posted the cover art for their upcoming album, “Oblivion Beckonsâ€? at their […]
July 31st, 2007 at 4:37 pm
two wonderful things that i have drawn from this:
1. someone else has a he-man collection besides myself (i have everything…that’s not a joke)
2. someone else used to put juice in Kobra-Khan
August 15th, 2007 at 1:38 am
i could never get the robot guy’s head to turn. but when i finally did it was so rewarding that his beak moved. or whatever the hell it was. robot mouth whatever. he was the shit. see-through body with gears for guts. i still have him somewhere.
August 28th, 2007 at 9:01 am
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